i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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