so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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