I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
