Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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