Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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