Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
