I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
