I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
