New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
