I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
