This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
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I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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