The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
what day is it and did you see me today?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
