i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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