I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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