I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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