just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
