This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
