Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
