Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
