They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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