I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
