she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
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I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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