When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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