We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
