matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
