i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He has the fingertips of a God
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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