Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
