running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You ruined the universe
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
