I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
