Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
