This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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