I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
