last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
