The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
