drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
