new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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