i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
