Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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