You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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