A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
