I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
