dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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