1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
