her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
