my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
