The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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