I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
