Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
