shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
