I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
