I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
