just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
