i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I wish you could order shots online.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
