How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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