Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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