The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
