i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
