I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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